How to Break Your Own Heart in 10 Easy Steps or The Metallic Taste of Irony
A few weeks ago I changed my relationship status on Facebook and for some reason it sent an alert out to hundreds of people.
This doesn’t happen.
Facebook doesn’t send updates for changed relationship statuses.
And aren’t we all grateful for that.
We all have that one person on our list whose relationship status changes every other Tuesday or sometimes three times in the same day.
So the fact that Facebook decided to send out an alert to the world about my new relationship showed that this was indeed MOMENTOUS.
Let me first point out that I have been single for three years.
I tend to STAY single.
No one really “gets” me.
I don’t go around looking for love.
I am a very happy person.
I like my friends, my kids and my guitars.
And I won’t settle.
And I won’t lie to girls.
I NEVER lead anyone on.
That’s how I sleep at night.
“Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.” – Basil King
So why the relationship status change?
Before I answer that I want to talk to you about faith, gratitude and how the universe works (check out the ego on this guy!)
Before I begin, I want to say that I do not think that you have to believe in a god, in any traditional sense in order to use the powerful forces that lie within each and every one of us.
I do not follow any new age religions or burn candles or hold crystals, but I DO pray.
In fact I pray a lot.
In fact I find myself praying pretty much ALL THE TIME. (this is relevant to my story so indulge me, okay?)
I am a man of science and it has been shown that directing thought energy is important to goal attainment.
But there is something more to it.
Every time I set a goal and take steps to achieve it’s attainment, amazing things begin to happen.
You can dismiss this as confirmation bias if you want.
I have no proof on either side.
Nor do I have an agenda.
But what I do know is that there is a magic formula for life that basically consists of
1) Declare what you want
2) Have faith that you will receive it
3) Work like crazy for it’s attainment
4) Watch for the door(s) that will open for you and step through them (shortcuts to attainment)
A lot of new age literature skips steps 3 and 4, and without hard work and paying attention, faith means nothing.
A FEW WORDS ABOUT WHAT FAITH ACTUALLY MEANS
Let’s talk about faith for minute. (for those of you who have had your attention span destroyed by social media please feel free to skip to the next section)
Faith is one of those words that has been watered down by religion.
Let’s reclaim it as our own, because it is a powerful word and I can’t find a suitable word to replace it.
Faith is powerful.
It is the antithesis of fear.
It means, to have absolute certainty about an outcome.
It is not like hope.
Hope is weak. Hope wants.
It is not the same as wishing.
Wishing is wishy washy.
It is weak.
Wishing and hoping are for little kids.
If you want to be big-time then you gotta have faith, a faith, a faith. You gotta have faith.
When one has faith in something, the faith should immediately be joined with gratitude.
Because if you believe 100% that you will attain the goal, then it is only a matter of work multiplied by time until the goal is attained.
Therefore in a sense you already have the outcome you seek.
It is right up there ahead of you, waiting to be claimed.
So declare your goal, start working and be grateful.
OKAY, ENOUGH WITH THE SERMON ALREADY. SO WHY DID YOU CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS?!
Because I met a girl…
I met a girl who rocked my world.
I met her at a party.
She left the party with me and we connected in a huge way.
In a way I have never connected with another human being.
She kept saying that I was “Amazing!!” and that she “Was so glad that she met me.”
I felt the exact same way about her.
Cats and dogs living together.
Black holes colliding forming super-massive black holes.
Time to reevaluate what I thought I knew.
Two days later I was praying about it.
I always say something like “If it is meant to be, than please help me to do the right things to make it occur.”, but as I was praying this I was struck with an epiphany!
The revelation that came to me was “It IS meant to be if you WILL it to be. You know you are the best person for her. You know you can love her in ways that no other can. You know you can support her goals and dreams and be positive for her. So YOU decide if it is meant to be.”
It was very clear and very powerful.
So I asked her out and as I had 100% faith in my ability to be the best possible man for her, I changed my relationship status, because I knew that I wanted to be focused completely on her.
I had been given this amazing opportunity and I didn’t want anything to distract me.
A girl at my work who I was about to ask out, I decided not to ask out.
The women in my life who I had been “seeing”, I told them about her.
I wanted to burn my bridges, not hedge my bets.
I wanted to act out of faith and I wanted to do something I hate to do.
I wanted to be vulnerable.
She was worth gambling on.
She was worth any pain that I may open myself up to.
AND THEN WE WENT OUT…
There is no way I can convey how magical it was.
It was absolutely the greatest date of my life.
I didn’t stop smiling for six hours.
She said repeatedly that she couldn’t believe how lucky she was to meet me.
I thought how one day I would tell her that I was actually in love with her from the moment we met, but I couldn’t say that now (I may be crazy, but I recognize crazy talk when it tries to escape my mouth)
Six hours later when I dropped her off she invited me up.
I did not want to have sex with her…not yet.
I just wanted to hold her.
So I said “I’m just going to hug you and make sure you get into your apartment okay.”
As the hug ended, she said “I am so glad we’re friends.”
I was confused…
As I drove away, I thought how I never can figure out life.
How I think I know who I am and what I want and how life can just be turned upside down by the miracle that is this one amazing person.
I looked forward to the opportunity of being this ROCK in her life.
I imagined being her safe place.
I imagined being the one person who she could trust and depend on.
I knew I was worthy to earn that place in her life.
I imagined saying to her “You made me want things that I never wanted before, because until I met you, I didn’t know those things were possible. I want to play music with you (she is a musician also) and I want to be your best friend for as long as you will let me be and if you will be my girlfriend, I promise to never introduce you as my girlfriend, because I know you hate that and I totally understand why you hate that and you will always be way, way, way, way more than that.”
I imagined us breaking all the rules about mixing love and work and being on tour together.
My best friend, my girlfriend and my drummer all in one.
I guess I dream big, huh?
MUSICAL DEATH aka RAGING AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT
So days go by and she is not responding to my texts.
I asked her out again with no reply.
Finally I receive a text from her that says “I do want to see you again. I am just having trouble with my phone.”
The grapevine confirms that she is not playing games.
She really IS having trouble with her phone.
She is sending messages and people aren’t receiving them.
I think of other ways I can communicate with her.
I do something crazy.
I send flowers to her work.
A few hours later a mutual friend is on my porch.
I said “I know why you are here and I know this is hard for you so I’ll just say the words so you don’t have to. She doesn’t like me the way I like her. You are here to tell me to back off.”
I have seen enough eighties movies that I really expected him to say “No. She is crazy about you. But she is also scared and doesn’t know what to do…”
But he didn’t say that…
He said “Yeah. She thinks you are awesome, but she doesn’t like you THAT way.”
Heart shatters into a million tiny pieces.
I was totally cool with the ache in my chest.
I know how life works.
I know that heartache is fuel for art and empathy.
It was refreshing to know that I could feel that way, because honestly I didn’t think I could like anyone THAT way.
So now as I pick up the pieces and fit them into songs here and there, I am overwhelmed with gratitude because my heart shattered from being stretched past it’s breaking point.
And I will piece it back together.
And it will be stronger than ever.
And I am just grateful to know that this amazing person is out there and she is so strong that I don’t have to worry about her, like I worry about so many of my female friends.
My consolation prize is the same as always.
Women who are kind enough to let me stay in their beds until real love comes along for them and I can write a million more songs about rage and heartache.
The metallic taste of irony in my mouth, as I think of all the amazing women, that I couldn’t fall in love with, no matter how much I wished I could and the one who I actually did, who couldn’t feel that way about me.
It’s ironic…dontcha think?